i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
