pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
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Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have feelings that need drinking.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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