my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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