question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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