Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
