thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
