When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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