just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
