What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
