It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
