my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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