My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
