so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
