Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If I die, sorry about rent.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
