So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
