Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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