So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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