Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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