He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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