I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
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She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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