I met the friendliest cop last night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm always down for nudity.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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