he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
