i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
