The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
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Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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