I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
