I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
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I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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