i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
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Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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