After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
