he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
