Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
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Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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