well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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