Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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