So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
