he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
