tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
