I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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