I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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