Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
