Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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