as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
