a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
