Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize