youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
