oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
