Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
false alarm. still invincible.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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