You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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