did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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