Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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