you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
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I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
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There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I smell like Dick and happiness
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