yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
