I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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