I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
