Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
