I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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