Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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