she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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