theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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