I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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